Hello everyone! Today, I would love to tell you about a discovery I made the other day. It isn't that large of a discovery, but I feel that it has opened up my world to more opportunities to make more friends that are more meaningful. The best way to display my point is to, you guessed it, tell stories of how this discovery has affected not only me, but the people around me as well.
Yes, this post in going to be a little long, but I feel the message is worth reading about. So please give it a chance and I guarantee that you will feel enlightened. You're welcome. :)
Two years ago, I was at a church camp during July with nearly 200 teenagers that I didn't know. If anyone knows anything about me, it's that I'm an introvert. Talking to people may be easy for some, but for me, talking is so much out of my comfort zone that I sometimes remain silent and listen to the people around me. I decided that day that I was no longer going to be the listener, so I put that to practice. Searching for a target, I almost instantly noticed a girl sitting across from me at our picnic table. The entire camp was split into groups, so we were waiting for the rest of our group to arrive. She looked at her hot dog and poked it instead of eating it. We smiled at each other, acknowledging each others existence. No, I needed to do better than that.
I asked her about her drive to the campus we were staying at, because it was very remote and difficult to find. She answered, "A little hard. I've never been here before." Then I agreed with her. That would be the end of our conversation, but I reached even further out of my comfort zone and tried to find something we had in common. After nearly five minutes she was chatting up a storm with me, and we talked for the rest of lunch about so many random things I can't even remember half of them. The rest of the week I saw her reaching out to others the same way I reached out to her, and we soon she was known by many for being the one who listened just as I had done. Who would've thought that a girl as quiet as I usually was would start acting the complete opposite instantly and have so much to say? That was the first major stepping stone of my journey.
This was the case with one of my good friends. We'll call him Sam, the same as Lord of the Rings Sam because he's my right hand man. I had known Sam for nearly ten years when I realized that I barely knew anything about him. My best friend and a few other girls would gossip constantly about the way Sam never talked or did anything fun. I always thought this was as exaggeration. Perhaps he needed a friend who could tolerate him. I started paying more attention to him, and I realized that even though he didn't talk that much, he loved having conversations. I would mention to him what I thought were the dumbest things, and we would have hilarious conversations about them. The girls and Sam's parents were dumbfounded to see him talking to me so much. No magic was performed here other than I gave the oddball a chance, and he was soon one of my most meaningful friends. We're going to the same college this year and we're super excited to see each other again.
My last example is of a girl I met yesterday. Because I'm a Mormon, I often take visits to go to one of our temples and perform certain ordinances, specifically the one in Washington D.C. One of the ordinances I did was that I found an ancestor of mine from the 1600's, and decided that I would be baptized for them. After I was finished, I changed back into my dry clothes and went towards the bathroom to style my hair when a temple worker gently pulled me aside and asked if I could keep a young woman with me until her friend was finished with her own temple work. I graciously accepted because the young girl looked terrified to be meeting me, or more specifically, someone who was new.
We went to the bathroom together and I immediately began my usual styling routine when the young girl no older than thirteen says shyly, "I really like your hair," I admit that I was very flattered because I could only imagine how much courage it took for her to say that. I turned on my diffuser, which was loud enough that I wouldn't be able to hear her if she were to talk to me. As soon as I heard her voice, I immediately turned off my diffuser and listened to what she had to say. We listened intently to each other, then I would diffuse my hair a little more before the process was repeated. I didn't mind being interrupted because I could slowly see a transformation happening before my eyes. By the time I was finished she was a completely different person! She was so talkative and had many experiences to share with me. We were so enlightened my each other that we would have conversations with girls who passed by. It seemed that our need to talk was then becoming infectious.
Now, that's a lot of story telling to handle. I know. But those stories are all connected for a very obvious reasons:
1. Introverts are only introverts because they don't like making that first step out of their comfort
zone to talk to others (I discovered how to overcome that anxiety only recently). Okay, there are
many reasons, but this reason is MAJOR!
2. Anyone can become a meaningful friend no matter how quiet or shy they are
3. Giving people chances will change your world, especially theirs, for the better
I have realized that people who talk less are those who have more to say than the average person. This seems almost too simple once I type it out loud (wow, I think I'm sooo funny...), but it is a fact that we too often forget. If we reached out to those people who seemed lonely, shy, or excluded, imagine the impact you could have on their lives. Of course you will see a change in you as well, but sometimes to be a better person you need to forget yourself a little.
I find that the best way to talk to people who are shy is to ask them questions about the things they are interested in, because everyone has a passion or hobby that they are willing to expand on.
The next part is a little tricky: Show that you are interested in what they're talking about by listening and engaging in further conversation, and never pretend to be. This one is sooooo difficult because you could be polar opposites. Here's what I would do: I would not be defensive or angry about their passion. Easy right? If you like listening to classical music and they like hard metal rock, don't stereotype them or think they are distasteful compared to you. Simply agree to disagree and ask them how they first discovered that genre or how many songs they've purchased. I don't know about you, but for my school district that's an entire bus ride's worth of conversation. Easy! and one of the most important things.... NO SARCASM!!! This will make you seem condescending and bitter. This isn't typically the case, but until you really know a person, sarcasm can make you seem more annoyed than joking around. Shy people are just the same!
Happiness spreads. Keep the conversation positive! Sometimes we slip into talking about our dislikes more than our pleasures. Good conversations with someone who is shy tend to be more meaningful than others. I'm not sure why that's the case, but maybe it's knowing that you know more about this person than many others do because you gave them a chance. And if that person is having a bad day and you can feel their sadness, try to cheer them up in a genuine way. I feel that because I'm shy, I see things as black or white, meaning I can tell whether someone in genuinely concerned or not. Be that person they know they can listen to, because shy people think A LOT, and they are very smart at detecting those things.
When I turned off my diffuser to talk to that girl, she then knew she was important enough for me to stop and listen to her because she mattered. Read that sentence again. Most of the time people who are shy tend to feel an overwhelming sense of invisibility. They feel they are looked over. When you take time to pay attention to them and their feelings you have made them feel more important than you'll ever realize. Even if it isn't on that grand of a scale, people who are shy appreciate attention much more than you think they do.
Being friends with quiet people does not mean that you have digressed down the slope of the extroverted norm people desire. Being friends with someone who's shy is an accomplishment. As you continue to genuinely befriend those who need friends the most, you will see a change in them, and others will see it too. I believe that having a couple very dear friends is better than being in a group of two dozen acquaintances, and that's why I go out of my way to specifically give shy people my attention. I am a very shy person when it comes to being social, so I treat other she people as I would want others to treat me: with genuine interest and respect.
There's that word again! Genuine! Making friends with quite people isn't supposed to be a game, but an extraordinary opportunity for you to develop meaningful relationships than can last a lifetime. Please don't ever think shy people not being worth your time. From experience and a little hard work, I can assure you that it is quite the opposite. Have a wonderful day, and know that everyone deserves a chance at having a friend, especially those who need them the most.
P.S. That should be our new word. GENUINE. :) Stay genuine everyone!
